Somebody sucker-punched me in the back

Well, that's what it feels like.

A few years ago, Harry got me a shiatsu massaging chair for Christmas. I had tested one out in Linens 'n Things a few months before and fell in love with it. He remembered and picked one up for me. How very thoughtful.

I set it up on our desk chair, and it fit perfectly. I excitedly fumbled around with the remote control, trying to find the perfect setting. With that set, I slumped in my chair and enjoyed the little swirling armatures of pleasure. After 15 minutes, it automatically shut off.

Hey! I'm not done!

So I set it again, and 15 minutes later, it shut off.

Hey! I'm still not done!

So I set it again. 15 minutes later, and I was feeling pretty damn good.

6 hours later and I was crying in pain. It felt like my entire back was covered in bruises.

Suddenly, I hated the shiatsu massaging chair. Hated it with the intensity of a thousand suns. Bad chair. You suck.

So it got packed away in hopes of selling it at a tag sale or something (the box had been demolished while trying to open it, so there was no way to return it).

A few years later, we're moving out of the Bat Cave, and whoa! A shiatsu massaging chair! I forgot all about this thing. I remember not liking it for some reason, but that reason is escaping me right now. I wonder if everyone at work would like to use it. I remember all of us toying with the idea of hiring a professional massager to come in once a week on our break. This is even better because it's FREE.

So I brought the chair into work, and everyone Ooohed and Aaaahed about it. A few people tried it out, and they liked it. Cool.

Yesterday afternoon, I decided to give the chair a second chance. So I plugged it in, set it, and slumped. After 15 minutes, all the kinks weren't out, so I reset for one more round. At the end of that 15 minutes, I was good to go. I was feeling pretty good.

By 9pm last night, my back started to feel sore. It was sensitive to the touch. Oh, crap. NOW I remember why I hate that chair. Shit.

Last night's sleep was painful and unfullfilling. Every time I moved, the pain woke me up. This morning I stood under a hot shower for 20 minutes trying to relieve some of that pain. It only helped a little.

I was afraid to look at my back. I thought for sure there were going to be big, ugly bruises blossoming under my tattoos. When I finally risked a peek, I saw there was nothing. Maybe I have internal bruising? There's such a thing, right?

That chair is evil. E-VIL.