obsession/addiction

I have a love/hate relationship with food. For years, I was extremely overweight, tipping the scales at over 100 lbs MORE than what my weight should have been. Yeah, you read that right. I was considered morbidly obese. At 5 feet tall, I weighed 227 lbs at my heaviest. That was around my freshmen year of college. I wore a size 22 jeans and 2x shirts.

I hit that weight again right before I gave birth to Ellie, but that's a whole other ballgame. I managed to only gain 27 lbs during my pregnancy, which was excellent. My doctor had advised me to try to keep my weight gain under 25 lbs, so at least I came close.

I lost the pregnancy weight rather quickly after having Ellie, and then stayed at my pre-pregnancy weight for another 3.5 years. Finally, in April of 2009, I had to buy size 18 jeans and realized I was heading into dangerous territory once again. At 202 lbs, I realized I needed to fix myself. I wasn't getting any younger, and I was afraid I was going to end up putting some major stress on my heart. My dad had a heart attack at age 44, and I wasn't going to end up like that.

A few friends were starting their own weight loss journeys around that time, so I threw myself into it and joined Weight Watchers. And it was the smartest thing I have ever done. With the help of Weight Watchers online and a fabulous group of women helping me along the way, I lost 57 lbs from May 2009-May 2010. I had willpower I didn't even know existed. I followed the plan religiously and integrated excellent and healthy foods into my every day life.

After I hit the year mark weighing in at 145lbs, the smallest I have been since the 5th grade, I decided to just maintain over the next 6 months. And I did just that. I overindulged a little, but I also ate healthy for the most part. A little cake never hurt anyone.

Right around October, I noticed some of my old eating habits creeping up on me again. I have a major sweet tooth with chocolate and baked goods being my weak spots. I noticed I was starting to binge eat on stuff like brownies and cookies. It's one of the worst habits I've had... I can't just have a taste. I need to eat 2 to 3 times more than what is considered normal. And then I feel like hell after because I've just consumed entirely too much sugar. And then I'm pissed at myself for being so weak.

So I joined Weight Watchers again right after Thanksgiving when their new points system went into effect. It took me a few days, but I got back into the swing of things and lost a few pounds right away. I was thrilled. I figured getting into it a few weeks before Christmas would help me keep the binging at bay.

That didn't happen.

My mom goes all out for Christmas, and this year was no exception. By the time Christmas was over, I was back up to 145. I tried to just accept that at least I had "maintained" by losing a few before the big holiday. Last week, I started the program again, losing a couple of pounds and feeling pretty good. Then Harry's birthday hit, and my niece's birthday, and another birthday party, and New Year's Eve, and yep, back to 145.

I get SO pissed at myself, and really, I should just give myself a break.

But it's the food. The damned food. I think about food all damn day. It's not healthy. It can't be healthy.

When doing Weight Watchers, everything is about points. Therefore, everything is about food. Your entire life revolves around the points. It can make you insane. It becomes an obsession.

I'm not knocking the program. I am saying that someone like me who has an obsessive personality can be all-consumed by the program. I have less than 20 lbs left to lose, and I just want to get there.

And I want to stop thinking about my next meal. My next fix. I just want to be normal.

Only I'm not quite sure what that is. There's still a fat girl locked inside this thinish girl's body. I look in the mirror or at pictures of myself, and I still sometimes have a hard time realizing it's me. I look and feel great physically, but emotionally, I'm still morbidly obese.

I didn't mean for this post to get so deep. I just needed to get it out. I don't want to be a slave to every single thing I decide to eat (or not eat). I just don't think I will ever get to a place where I eat something without thinking about it first. I don't know if that's good or bad.