Inner Monologue

I hate to hurt my husband's feelings. Is that strange? It's gotten to the point where we don't fight like normal couples. We don't raise our voices, flip each other the bird, call each other names, yell "Screw you!", etc. We just don't.

Instead, I use sarcasm and eye rolls. And inner monologue. Lots and lots of inner monologue.

Today Harry got pissed at me because he hadn't been keeping track of his days off last year, and when he said, "I should have," I agreed by replying, "yes, you should have." Apparently, he wasn't looking for confirmation of his fuck-up. I got a "thanks a lot, Hon," some silence, then a hasty retreat on his part.

Imagine if my inner monologue had taken over after "yes, you should have." It would have sounded something like this: "yes, you should have, especially seeing as you're not responsible for keeping track of anything else like monthly expenses, the mortgage, the checkbook, paying daycare, buying groceries, etc. This is the ONLY thing you have to make sure is done correctly, and you didn't even do that. So it's your own damn fault. Suck it up."

I think it's getting to the point where inner monologue is no longer going to work for me. It's thoughts like this that fester and eat away at me. Harry and I have been together for nearly 9 years, and although thoughts like this didn't appear the first few years we've been together, they have been building up for some time now.

Suppressing is sometimes not a good idea. It just makes me angry and bitter. I'm just not sure where that leaves me. I've never been much of a fighter. Do I really want to start? What's the best way to handle situations that at first annoy me then snowball into every single word coming out of his mouth making me grit my teeth and finally just walking out of the room with a hot head and blood boiling? Yeah, I have that kind of temper. I just tend to keep it bottled up instead of releasing it and spewing it all over my husband.

To top it all off, I then feel guilty about my thoughts. I haven't even said anything out-fucking-loud, but I still feel bad for even entertaining the notions that pop into my head. How is that for sad? AND if Ellie's in one of her moods while Harry's pissing me off, she gets mean, crabby mommy annoyed with her. THAT guilt sucks ass.

I'm not looking for real answers here, just venting and trying to clear my head a little. I talk with friends about their relationships, and most of them have all-out battles from time-to-time. And I'm starting to think that's healthy.