My birthday is next week, May 6th to be exact. Normally, I'm pretty low-key about it, but I'm really rather excited this year. I guess once you're in your 30s, you can start to enjoy them again. I still have a hard time believing I'm going to be 32 years old. Then my joints start to crack, and I realize that my body feels even older than that. Eh.
Every year, Harry asks me what I want for my birthday. And every year, I tell him I don't need anything. This year, I decided there is something I want. His company. On our drive home from MD on Sunday, I asked if he wouldn't mind taking the day off with me. He's all for it!
We're not doing anything really special, just some stuff I want to do. We'll probably go to breakfast, drop Ellie off at daycare, and then I want to plant some flowers. Yeah, I want to garden. Shut up. In all honesty, it's just really hard to do any kind of planting while Ellie's around. This will be the perfect opportunity to get it done.
After that, I want to go see X-Men Origins: Wolverine. I've been totally psyched to see this movie, and my birthday is a perfect excuse to hand over loads of cash for entertainment purposes only.
After that, I want a quiet dinner at home with Harry and Ellie and cake. That's it. See, it doesn't take much to please me.
I also want my mom to watch Ellie the Friday night after because I need to get my geek on and go see the new Star Trek movie. Yes, I do.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Awesome Trip!
This past weekend was our trip to MD to reconnect with Harry's sister, Cindy, and her family. It ended up being a wonderful trip, and it was probably one of the best weekends of Harry's life. I'm just so unbelievably happy for him. And for Cindy.
Cindy, her husband, Todd, and their 3 kids, Nikki, Cassie, and Tyler, welcomed us into their home like we'd all known each other for years. We talked and ate and talked some more over the course of our short weekend visit, getting to know one another, trying to fill in all the gaps, and cramming 30 some-odd years into 2 days. It was quite a task, and we've really only skimmed the surface. Lucky for us, we've got the time and the inclination to keep it going.
We arrived at Cindy's house Friday morning around 11, and were greeted by Cindy and Nikki. We peeled ourselves out of the car, we all hugged, then proceeded into the house for some bevvies. From that point on, we didn't stop talking. We ate lunch, chatted, had a beer, got a tour of the house and the grounds, and watched Ellie playing outside while chatting some more. Eventually, we settled back into the kitchen, still chatting away, and Ellie managed to get a nap in later in the afternoon. After she woke up, we ordered pizza for dinner, and finally, around 7:30 had to say goodnight for the evening so we could find our hotel and check in. Ellie was in a great mood the whole day and was a bit wired, but all three of us finally settle down for the evening a little before 10am.
We woke up the next morning awaiting our trip to the Maryland Zoo at 10am. We met Cindy and the gang there, and ventured in. I met Todd for the first time, and we hit it off right away when Cindy laughingly told him how she saw me whip out my hand sanitizer the day before and knew we'd get along. The man is a cleanliness fanatic after my own heart.
We walked around the zoo for 3 hours, and Ellie was completely awesome the whole time. She was so excited to be around all her new cousins and aunt and uncle. We had a picnic lunch after then decided to go back to our hotel so everyone could go swimming in the indoor pool. Ellie LOVED the pool, and taking her out and bringing her back to the room for a nap was the only time she screamed bloody murder the entire weekend. She would have stayed in that pool forever if we had let her.
With me back in our room with Ellie, Harry got some time to chat with his sister one-on-one. I think they really needed that. I was hoping I would be able to give them some time alone. I'm glad they got the chance.
After Ellie's nap, we packed up and headed back over to their house for dinner. Everyone hung around in the front yard, the adults had a few beers with the exception of me who only had one (I'm a killjoy, I know), and Ellie played lacrosse - LOL. We had a wonderful dinner prepared by Todd, and let me just say, the man knows his way around a kitchen and grill. Steak and baked potatoes makes this girl happy.
We traded more stories, laughed, and more during that dinner. Then they surprised me with a birthday cake! I was totally caught unawares, even as they were singing. I didn't even have any idea who we were singing for until they said my name. Color me oblivious.
After dinner and dessert, we all sat down in front of the tube to watch a video Nikki had created for one of her classes. It was a series of pictures of her family when they lived in CT set to music. Then the "for sale" sign flashed onto the screen, along with a picture of their old house. Finally, she ends the video with pictures of new friends she's made in MD and more of her family in their new home. It was really sweet, and I'm happy we got to see it. She worked really hard on it, and it was important to her. She was excited to show it to us.
We had to say goodbye and get back to the hotel around 8:30, but we were meeting Cindy and Todd one more time the next morning before we left. They met us at our hotel, and we had breakfast together there. It was a nice and quiet meal together, and made for a perfect ending to the weekend. We all hugged goodbye and slowly but surely made our way back north to CT.
All in all, it was a fabulous trip, and I'm so glad we made it. Harry's already thinking about going back down there, and they've already told us they're making a b-line for our house when they come back up next month to visit the rest of the family. We're very much looking forward to that.
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And totally not part of the story, but it was HOT when we got back home! LOL. We had set up a radon test in the basement before we left, and you're not allowed to keep windows or doors open while the test is being performed. We figured this weekend would be perfect for it because the house has to remain closed up for 4 days. We set it up on Thursday at 6pm, and we can't open the windows until tonight at 6pm. That means we had to keep all the windows closed yesterday when it was almost 90 degrees outside. HOLY CRAP! Yeah, it sucked.
Cindy, her husband, Todd, and their 3 kids, Nikki, Cassie, and Tyler, welcomed us into their home like we'd all known each other for years. We talked and ate and talked some more over the course of our short weekend visit, getting to know one another, trying to fill in all the gaps, and cramming 30 some-odd years into 2 days. It was quite a task, and we've really only skimmed the surface. Lucky for us, we've got the time and the inclination to keep it going.
We arrived at Cindy's house Friday morning around 11, and were greeted by Cindy and Nikki. We peeled ourselves out of the car, we all hugged, then proceeded into the house for some bevvies. From that point on, we didn't stop talking. We ate lunch, chatted, had a beer, got a tour of the house and the grounds, and watched Ellie playing outside while chatting some more. Eventually, we settled back into the kitchen, still chatting away, and Ellie managed to get a nap in later in the afternoon. After she woke up, we ordered pizza for dinner, and finally, around 7:30 had to say goodnight for the evening so we could find our hotel and check in. Ellie was in a great mood the whole day and was a bit wired, but all three of us finally settle down for the evening a little before 10am.
We woke up the next morning awaiting our trip to the Maryland Zoo at 10am. We met Cindy and the gang there, and ventured in. I met Todd for the first time, and we hit it off right away when Cindy laughingly told him how she saw me whip out my hand sanitizer the day before and knew we'd get along. The man is a cleanliness fanatic after my own heart.
We walked around the zoo for 3 hours, and Ellie was completely awesome the whole time. She was so excited to be around all her new cousins and aunt and uncle. We had a picnic lunch after then decided to go back to our hotel so everyone could go swimming in the indoor pool. Ellie LOVED the pool, and taking her out and bringing her back to the room for a nap was the only time she screamed bloody murder the entire weekend. She would have stayed in that pool forever if we had let her.
With me back in our room with Ellie, Harry got some time to chat with his sister one-on-one. I think they really needed that. I was hoping I would be able to give them some time alone. I'm glad they got the chance.
After Ellie's nap, we packed up and headed back over to their house for dinner. Everyone hung around in the front yard, the adults had a few beers with the exception of me who only had one (I'm a killjoy, I know), and Ellie played lacrosse - LOL. We had a wonderful dinner prepared by Todd, and let me just say, the man knows his way around a kitchen and grill. Steak and baked potatoes makes this girl happy.
We traded more stories, laughed, and more during that dinner. Then they surprised me with a birthday cake! I was totally caught unawares, even as they were singing. I didn't even have any idea who we were singing for until they said my name. Color me oblivious.
After dinner and dessert, we all sat down in front of the tube to watch a video Nikki had created for one of her classes. It was a series of pictures of her family when they lived in CT set to music. Then the "for sale" sign flashed onto the screen, along with a picture of their old house. Finally, she ends the video with pictures of new friends she's made in MD and more of her family in their new home. It was really sweet, and I'm happy we got to see it. She worked really hard on it, and it was important to her. She was excited to show it to us.
We had to say goodbye and get back to the hotel around 8:30, but we were meeting Cindy and Todd one more time the next morning before we left. They met us at our hotel, and we had breakfast together there. It was a nice and quiet meal together, and made for a perfect ending to the weekend. We all hugged goodbye and slowly but surely made our way back north to CT.
All in all, it was a fabulous trip, and I'm so glad we made it. Harry's already thinking about going back down there, and they've already told us they're making a b-line for our house when they come back up next month to visit the rest of the family. We're very much looking forward to that.
**********************************************************
And totally not part of the story, but it was HOT when we got back home! LOL. We had set up a radon test in the basement before we left, and you're not allowed to keep windows or doors open while the test is being performed. We figured this weekend would be perfect for it because the house has to remain closed up for 4 days. We set it up on Thursday at 6pm, and we can't open the windows until tonight at 6pm. That means we had to keep all the windows closed yesterday when it was almost 90 degrees outside. HOLY CRAP! Yeah, it sucked.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I was never much of a mystery girl
I have a few genres I like to read... horror, sci-fi/fantasy, general fiction, chick lit, non-fiction, "classics", etc. The only thing I normally won't read is a romance novel, although I have been tricked on an occasion or two, realizing 1/4 of the way in that the general fiction book I picked up was not what it appeared to be. Another genre I never really got into was mystery.
That started to change when I took a grad course in it. Tony Hillerman was the first author we read in the class, and I have to say, he hooked me. I have read a few more of his books since then, and I've enjoyed them. I'll most likely read a few more. His characters are interesting, and the history of the Native Americans he wraps up into his novels make them right up my alley.
Lately, I've been reading some Peter Straub novels. Mr. Straub co-wrote my all time favorite book, The Talisman, with my main man, Stephen King. I've already read quite a few of Peter Straub's other novels; some I've like, some I've really rather detested.
A few months ago, I came across a used copy of Koko at the library. It took a couple of weeks to get through, but I found it fascinating. When I googled the book, a wiki entry came up and announced that it was actually part of a trilogy. Score.
In the past month, I've finished up reading that trilogy. Mystery, the second novel, was a page-turner, to say the least. I devoured it. The main character, Tom Pasmore, is extremely likable. I was hoping he'd be in the last novel, too.
And he was! The Throat finished the trilogy with not only my old pal, Tom, in it, but Tim Underhill, one of the characters from Koko, was the main character. I devoured this book, too. I wanted more, more, more!
I just finished it this morning and immediately went to amazon.com to buy copies of the last two. I'd borrowed them from the library, but I know I'll want to read them again in the future. THAT'S how good they are.
So if anyone has any mystery novel suggestions, I'm all ears.
That started to change when I took a grad course in it. Tony Hillerman was the first author we read in the class, and I have to say, he hooked me. I have read a few more of his books since then, and I've enjoyed them. I'll most likely read a few more. His characters are interesting, and the history of the Native Americans he wraps up into his novels make them right up my alley.
Lately, I've been reading some Peter Straub novels. Mr. Straub co-wrote my all time favorite book, The Talisman, with my main man, Stephen King. I've already read quite a few of Peter Straub's other novels; some I've like, some I've really rather detested.
A few months ago, I came across a used copy of Koko at the library. It took a couple of weeks to get through, but I found it fascinating. When I googled the book, a wiki entry came up and announced that it was actually part of a trilogy. Score.
In the past month, I've finished up reading that trilogy. Mystery, the second novel, was a page-turner, to say the least. I devoured it. The main character, Tom Pasmore, is extremely likable. I was hoping he'd be in the last novel, too.
And he was! The Throat finished the trilogy with not only my old pal, Tom, in it, but Tim Underhill, one of the characters from Koko, was the main character. I devoured this book, too. I wanted more, more, more!
I just finished it this morning and immediately went to amazon.com to buy copies of the last two. I'd borrowed them from the library, but I know I'll want to read them again in the future. THAT'S how good they are.
So if anyone has any mystery novel suggestions, I'm all ears.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Weekend Update
Let's see, Friday night we did the stupidest thing ever. We painted our living room. And we didn't finish until 11pm. Who the hell starts painting at 8pm? Yes, that would be us. Besides being completely tired and drained after a very long workweek, there's also the matter of being able to actually see where you need to paint that makes this a stupid idea. Especially when you're painting the room almost the exact same color, only the new paint has a high gloss finish whereas the original paint is a flat one. It's very difficult to discern between the two with only a 60 watt light bulb to guide you. I noticed a few spots that definitely need touch ups the next morning. Oh, well.
In the end, it still looks awesome and we're still alive, so that's gotta count for something. Some new spice-colored curtains finished the room's new polished look, and I'm a happy woman. Finally, the house is pretty much all painted (with the exception of Ellie's room because we're still not sure what color we want to paint it - it's just white for now). I STILL need to post pictures. I promise I'll get to it sometime this year.
On Saturday morning, an old friend from high school, KP, and her family came by for a visit. We haven't seen each other in almost 10 years! She had moved to Texas during our college years, and well, I just stayed here. The only time I've ever been to Texas was a short stop-over at Dallas/Ft.Worth on the way back from Hawaii. Not exactly the right time for a visit, ya know?
She had mentioned on her blog that she was coming back to CT for her grandmother's 85th birthday this past weekend, and when I mentioned that I'd love for her to stop by and visit, she was all for it. We got to catch up, I got to meet her husband again, I showed off the house, and Ellie and Kristin's two girls got to play for a bit. Even KP got in on the action and totally confiscated one of the swings on our swingset. It was a lot of fun, and I hope to see her again the next time she comes back up this way (or I go to Texas, if that ever happens).
Saturday afternoon, Harry, Ellie, and I went to Chip's for dinner (yes, the famous Chip's, Cristina!) and made a stop at the Christmas Tree Shops for these cool flower pinwheels for the yard. They have these funky solar powered LED lights in them, and they look pretty when you look out at the yard at night. Our neighbors had first picked them up last week and told us where we could find them. I figured this was the go-ahead from them to be big, fat copycats and get some of our own. Heh heh.
While there, we stumbled upon these awesome Monk Chime Windchimes, and both Harry and I said we immediately had to have them. We both love windchimes, and we hadn't picked up a set for the new house yet (we had a set at the old place, but they finally bit the dust right before we moved). These things are huge, like 3 feet long. And the sound is amazing.
So we get them home, and Harry hangs them up in our Magnolia tree on the side of the house. Well, as he's putting them up, they start clanging, and the entire neighborhood sounds like it's surrounded by a monastery or something. I'm like, "OMG, our neighbors are going to hate us!" They were NOT that loud in the store, I swear. I told Harry we had to take them down. I didn't want to be the couple suddenly everybody hated because of our noisy monk windchimes. Harry said he'd ask everyone tomorrow how they felt about them.
Guess what? The chimes are going back. Yeah, only one neighbor actually liked them. Truth be told, they were getting on MY nerves.
Sunday morning, we headed to our local zoo for the first time this season, bought our annual membership, and had a fabulous time walking around in the sunshine and seeing all of the animals. I had gone there last year, and I gotta say, they've really done an amazing job with the zoo in the last 10 months. There were new animals there, all the animals looked well cared for, and it was so clean. There is a possibility that with CT's new budget cuts, the funding from the state that normally goes to the zoo will be one of the things to go. I really hope that's not the case. Buying the annual membership was my contribution to keeping the zoo open. If their funding gets cut, they're hoping for private donations to help cover what they lose. I really don't want the zoo to close down.
Sunday afternoon, we headed up to my friends, Lea and Patrick's, house to check out their new digs and eat some delicious food. Lea's house is awesome. I'm so happy for her and Patrick. And she was so very thoughtful, "babyproofing" the house a bit for Miss Ellie. She really has no idea how much I appreciated the effort. I didn't have to hover over Ellie for the visit, which is an added bonus for me whenever we go anywhere. Ellie LOVED the place, and she wasn't the least bit shy around Lea, and surprisingly, Patrick. She's usually a bit reserved around men other than her daddy.
Patrick cooked for us, we ate and talked and Harry got to check out a Wii system (greeeeaaattt). Of course, he wants one now.
We also got to test out the magic and wonder that is a portable DVD player on the trip up and back from Lea's house. Ellie was mesmerized by her Boo Bears right there in the car with her! Here's hoping it keeps her entertained during our drive to MD on Friday. I have a good feeling.
I also got to chat with my SIL a bit last night. The more I get to know C, the more excited I get about our trip this weekend. I can't wait to meet her, her husband, and her kids. It's gonna be awesome. Yay!
In the end, it still looks awesome and we're still alive, so that's gotta count for something. Some new spice-colored curtains finished the room's new polished look, and I'm a happy woman. Finally, the house is pretty much all painted (with the exception of Ellie's room because we're still not sure what color we want to paint it - it's just white for now). I STILL need to post pictures. I promise I'll get to it sometime this year.
On Saturday morning, an old friend from high school, KP, and her family came by for a visit. We haven't seen each other in almost 10 years! She had moved to Texas during our college years, and well, I just stayed here. The only time I've ever been to Texas was a short stop-over at Dallas/Ft.Worth on the way back from Hawaii. Not exactly the right time for a visit, ya know?
She had mentioned on her blog that she was coming back to CT for her grandmother's 85th birthday this past weekend, and when I mentioned that I'd love for her to stop by and visit, she was all for it. We got to catch up, I got to meet her husband again, I showed off the house, and Ellie and Kristin's two girls got to play for a bit. Even KP got in on the action and totally confiscated one of the swings on our swingset. It was a lot of fun, and I hope to see her again the next time she comes back up this way (or I go to Texas, if that ever happens).
Saturday afternoon, Harry, Ellie, and I went to Chip's for dinner (yes, the famous Chip's, Cristina!) and made a stop at the Christmas Tree Shops for these cool flower pinwheels for the yard. They have these funky solar powered LED lights in them, and they look pretty when you look out at the yard at night. Our neighbors had first picked them up last week and told us where we could find them. I figured this was the go-ahead from them to be big, fat copycats and get some of our own. Heh heh.
While there, we stumbled upon these awesome Monk Chime Windchimes, and both Harry and I said we immediately had to have them. We both love windchimes, and we hadn't picked up a set for the new house yet (we had a set at the old place, but they finally bit the dust right before we moved). These things are huge, like 3 feet long. And the sound is amazing.
So we get them home, and Harry hangs them up in our Magnolia tree on the side of the house. Well, as he's putting them up, they start clanging, and the entire neighborhood sounds like it's surrounded by a monastery or something. I'm like, "OMG, our neighbors are going to hate us!" They were NOT that loud in the store, I swear. I told Harry we had to take them down. I didn't want to be the couple suddenly everybody hated because of our noisy monk windchimes. Harry said he'd ask everyone tomorrow how they felt about them.
Guess what? The chimes are going back. Yeah, only one neighbor actually liked them. Truth be told, they were getting on MY nerves.
Sunday morning, we headed to our local zoo for the first time this season, bought our annual membership, and had a fabulous time walking around in the sunshine and seeing all of the animals. I had gone there last year, and I gotta say, they've really done an amazing job with the zoo in the last 10 months. There were new animals there, all the animals looked well cared for, and it was so clean. There is a possibility that with CT's new budget cuts, the funding from the state that normally goes to the zoo will be one of the things to go. I really hope that's not the case. Buying the annual membership was my contribution to keeping the zoo open. If their funding gets cut, they're hoping for private donations to help cover what they lose. I really don't want the zoo to close down.
Sunday afternoon, we headed up to my friends, Lea and Patrick's, house to check out their new digs and eat some delicious food. Lea's house is awesome. I'm so happy for her and Patrick. And she was so very thoughtful, "babyproofing" the house a bit for Miss Ellie. She really has no idea how much I appreciated the effort. I didn't have to hover over Ellie for the visit, which is an added bonus for me whenever we go anywhere. Ellie LOVED the place, and she wasn't the least bit shy around Lea, and surprisingly, Patrick. She's usually a bit reserved around men other than her daddy.
Patrick cooked for us, we ate and talked and Harry got to check out a Wii system (greeeeaaattt). Of course, he wants one now.
We also got to test out the magic and wonder that is a portable DVD player on the trip up and back from Lea's house. Ellie was mesmerized by her Boo Bears right there in the car with her! Here's hoping it keeps her entertained during our drive to MD on Friday. I have a good feeling.
I also got to chat with my SIL a bit last night. The more I get to know C, the more excited I get about our trip this weekend. I can't wait to meet her, her husband, and her kids. It's gonna be awesome. Yay!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
When she gives me that incredulous look that asks, "Mommy, are you insane?"
Ah, how the English language can mess with a toddler trying to master it.
Ellie calls all women mama and all men dada. Whether they're models in magazines, actors on TV, or complete strangers seen at the grocery store, she'll point someone out and state, "mama". Even the woman on the U-bet chocolate syrup containter is a mama.
At first, it totally bummed me out because she also referred to me and Harry as Mama and Dada. Are we just any old woman and man she sees day in and day out? Are we not special enough to have our own titles? Did I just sound insane?
Lately, she's started referring to us as Mommy and Daddy, most like as to differentiate between all those other mamas and dadas out there. Toddler logic? Maybe.
I've been trying to get her to shy away from using mama and dada, telling her something like, "you can also call her a lady. She's a lady." This is why my kid gives me THE LOOK. You know, that look that says "Mommy, you are certifiable."
Why?
Because the dog's name at daycare is Lady. That's why. "That's obviously NOT a Lady", Ellie would like to point out. "Lady is a dog. Woof woof."
Damn.
It's like trying to differentiate between a pea, pee, and the letter P. Yeah, that ones going over really well, too.
Stupid language.
Ellie calls all women mama and all men dada. Whether they're models in magazines, actors on TV, or complete strangers seen at the grocery store, she'll point someone out and state, "mama". Even the woman on the U-bet chocolate syrup containter is a mama.
At first, it totally bummed me out because she also referred to me and Harry as Mama and Dada. Are we just any old woman and man she sees day in and day out? Are we not special enough to have our own titles? Did I just sound insane?
Lately, she's started referring to us as Mommy and Daddy, most like as to differentiate between all those other mamas and dadas out there. Toddler logic? Maybe.
I've been trying to get her to shy away from using mama and dada, telling her something like, "you can also call her a lady. She's a lady." This is why my kid gives me THE LOOK. You know, that look that says "Mommy, you are certifiable."
Why?
Because the dog's name at daycare is Lady. That's why. "That's obviously NOT a Lady", Ellie would like to point out. "Lady is a dog. Woof woof."
Damn.
It's like trying to differentiate between a pea, pee, and the letter P. Yeah, that ones going over really well, too.
Stupid language.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Cuddlebug
Ellie has become quite the cuddler. And I LURVE it.
When she was just a wee babe, I was so bummed that she didn't want to snuggle with me on the sofa. She didn't mind being held for short periods of time, but for the most part, she'd get uber cranky if you passed the 10 minute mark. And she didn't really like being held while you were sitting down; you HAD to be standing up. Otherwise, she wanted no part of it. Give me my bouncy seat, Woman! Let me go!
I think part of it was the colic. She was just uncomfortable those first 3 months. Her tummy constantly bothered her. She couldn't do tummy-time at all. All she wanted was her bouncy seat to help break up the bubbles in her belly. Poor little sweatpea.
Occasionally at night, once the stomach upset had subsided, she liked to be held (and bounced) to sleep. I loved it, but I dreaded it too. I loved the closeness, but there always came that point where you had to put her down in her crib, and if you did it too early, she screamed holy hell. If you waited too long, the loss of the heat from your body would wake her up, and again, she'd scream holy hell. We figured out the magic number was 7. 7 minutes of holding and bouncing, and she was good to go for the night.
I wished that maybe, when she got a little older, her aversion to cuddling would relent. And lucky me it did!
Ellie is the most awesome cuddler. She molds into your body, she'll hold your hand or finger while your cuddling, and occasionally she'll give you a quick kiss. In the morning, she puts her head in your lap so you can play with her hair. In the evening, she'll lay down next to you so you can rub her back. She hugs, she gently puts her hands on your face and cradles it (and occasionally shakes it from side to side because it's funny), she'll snuggle her face into that soft space under your chin in the hollow of your neck, and she'll gently pat you on the shoulder or back for reassurance. Once in a while, she lets out a sigh of contentment.
I could live on this stuff. I really could.
When she was just a wee babe, I was so bummed that she didn't want to snuggle with me on the sofa. She didn't mind being held for short periods of time, but for the most part, she'd get uber cranky if you passed the 10 minute mark. And she didn't really like being held while you were sitting down; you HAD to be standing up. Otherwise, she wanted no part of it. Give me my bouncy seat, Woman! Let me go!
I think part of it was the colic. She was just uncomfortable those first 3 months. Her tummy constantly bothered her. She couldn't do tummy-time at all. All she wanted was her bouncy seat to help break up the bubbles in her belly. Poor little sweatpea.
Occasionally at night, once the stomach upset had subsided, she liked to be held (and bounced) to sleep. I loved it, but I dreaded it too. I loved the closeness, but there always came that point where you had to put her down in her crib, and if you did it too early, she screamed holy hell. If you waited too long, the loss of the heat from your body would wake her up, and again, she'd scream holy hell. We figured out the magic number was 7. 7 minutes of holding and bouncing, and she was good to go for the night.
I wished that maybe, when she got a little older, her aversion to cuddling would relent. And lucky me it did!
Ellie is the most awesome cuddler. She molds into your body, she'll hold your hand or finger while your cuddling, and occasionally she'll give you a quick kiss. In the morning, she puts her head in your lap so you can play with her hair. In the evening, she'll lay down next to you so you can rub her back. She hugs, she gently puts her hands on your face and cradles it (and occasionally shakes it from side to side because it's funny), she'll snuggle her face into that soft space under your chin in the hollow of your neck, and she'll gently pat you on the shoulder or back for reassurance. Once in a while, she lets out a sigh of contentment.
I could live on this stuff. I really could.
Monday, April 13, 2009
I need a weekend from my weekend
Good Lord but I didn't get a minute of rest these passed two days. Holiday weekends are not all they're cracked up to be. I'll take a boring June Sunday anyday.
I had to work on Friday which sucks. I noticed driving in that the highways and roads were uber light on traffic, which leads me to believe that every workplace but my office got the day off (I may be exaggerating a bit).
I had scheduled an oil change for that morning because Harry had offered to follow me there and drive me to work, then later pick me up on my lunch break to pick the car back up. I took him up on it because trying to get my oil changed on my 1 hour lunch break has totally backfired on me in the past, taking 2 hours and making me extremely late getting back to the office.
Unfortunately, Harry also scheduled 2 deliveries for that day, one the crushed gravel from a local company for our patio and the other Lowe's dropping off the patio pavers and wooden picnic table we ordered last week. He scheduled both for AM delivery, but, well, you all know our luck. The gravel was delivered on time, but the Lowe's delivery guy didn't show up until 3pm.
Which meant Harry couldn't pick me up on my lunch break to go get my car. Which means I was stuck at the office for that hour when I had a bunch of errands to run. I was annoyed, both by the Lowe's delivery guy AND truth be told, by Harry, because I'd asked him to schedule the deliveries on Saturday when we'd both be home. I just think he shouldn't have offered to help me out if he was totally gonna renege. I'm just bitchy like that.
I was getting out of work 2 hours early, so I'd still be able to pick my car up at 3pm. Harry called Lowe's like a million times, and people kept hanging up on him when trying to transfer him to the right department. He finally asked to speak with a manager and was told the manager would call him right back. You guessed it... the manager never called back. Finally, Harry called a different department alltogether, and talked to a woman that assured him the delivery would be made well before 3pm because the driver needed to clock out at 3. When 2:30 hit and there was still no delivery truck, Harry called her back. Naturally, SHE had left for the day at 2.
Around 2:45, Harry woke Ellie up from her nap and packed her into the car to come and get me. He left the receipt with a neighbor in case the delivery came, pulled out of the street, and wouldn't you know... here comes the Lowe's truck! So he turned around, made sure everything was there, then came to get me.
I didnt' know any of this was going on. Instead, at 3pm, I step out of the office to find Harry not there. Hmmm. I don't want to call because I don't want him to answer his phone while driving, but what other choice do I have? He says he's about 10 minutes away, so I stand there waiting in the cold. Fun.
I get my car back, run my errands, then rush home so Harry can start bringing all the patio supplies into the backyard before it rains. He manages to get all the crushed gravel back there (quite a task) just as the first few drops start to fall. We had to leave the pavers in the driveway until the next day. Luckily, it's supposed to be a nice day on Saturday.
WRONG! It rained all day Saturday. All day. And the guy delivering the crushed stone was nice enough to tell us that this crap solidifies into a cement type consistency once it gets wet and dries. I KNEW we should have gotten sand. How are we gonna press the pavers into cement? Lovely. We covered it with a tarp, hoping it would be OK.
Sunday morning, Harry went outside to assess the damage. It was still wet but he was able to loosen it up a bit before it dried. He went to work laying the pavers down in the afternoon, stopping for a couple of hours in order for us to go to my mom's house for Easter dinner.
Get ready for more complaining. It seems to be what I'm best at.
My mom told us dinner would be at 3. This means that I have to wake Ellie up from her nap in order to get there on time. I hate waking her up. The kid enjoys her nap. Luckily, she wasn't cranky, and she even let me put her in her Easter dress with minimal fuss. We made it out of our house by 3:02, and we showed up at Mom's just a few minutes later. By 4pm, dinner still wasn't ready. Yeah.
Ellie was crazy inside Mom's house. It's not babyproofed, so you really need to keep your eye on her. The girls played with her for a bit, which was nice, but eventually, the wanted to watch a movie and didn't want her in there. Lovely. Naturally, that's the only place she wanted to be after that declaration.
The kitchen, which is the central part of the house, is every mother's nightmare. There are knives everywhere, stove burners on, oven on, hot dishes everywhere, etc. The place could give me a heart attack. We couldn't figure the DVD player out (more specifically, Mom's TV is weird, and we couldn't switch it to the correct channel to play the DVD player), there were entirely too many people in a small space, and my kid hadn't eaten since noon because I thought we were having dinner at 3, so I didn't give her a snack. Lord help me.
By the time we sat down to dinner, Ellie wanted no part of it. It was just frustrating and tiring. By the time dessert was put out, we asked for some to go and hightailed it home. Ellie and I chilled inside watching Boo Bears (Care Bears), and Harry tried to finish the patio (it's not quite done - he should finish it tonight - yay!).
Oh, and I forgot. While cleaning the house Sunday morning and getting ready for playdate, my dad showed up completely unannounced. So here I am, dirty and grimy from cleaning, still in my pajamas, when he pulls up. He hands Ellie a chocolate bunny, she thanks him, then she runs away. Harry later tells me she sprinted to the back door and tried to get out of the house, away from the scary man. I kid you not.
Last night, she cried in her sleep. Twice. The second time, I went in there and she was actually awake. She wouldn't talk; she just wanted me to hold her. Harry remembers the last time that happening was the last time she saw my dad. So my dad actually causes toddler nightmare.
Dude, what a weekend.
I had to work on Friday which sucks. I noticed driving in that the highways and roads were uber light on traffic, which leads me to believe that every workplace but my office got the day off (I may be exaggerating a bit).
I had scheduled an oil change for that morning because Harry had offered to follow me there and drive me to work, then later pick me up on my lunch break to pick the car back up. I took him up on it because trying to get my oil changed on my 1 hour lunch break has totally backfired on me in the past, taking 2 hours and making me extremely late getting back to the office.
Unfortunately, Harry also scheduled 2 deliveries for that day, one the crushed gravel from a local company for our patio and the other Lowe's dropping off the patio pavers and wooden picnic table we ordered last week. He scheduled both for AM delivery, but, well, you all know our luck. The gravel was delivered on time, but the Lowe's delivery guy didn't show up until 3pm.
Which meant Harry couldn't pick me up on my lunch break to go get my car. Which means I was stuck at the office for that hour when I had a bunch of errands to run. I was annoyed, both by the Lowe's delivery guy AND truth be told, by Harry, because I'd asked him to schedule the deliveries on Saturday when we'd both be home. I just think he shouldn't have offered to help me out if he was totally gonna renege. I'm just bitchy like that.
I was getting out of work 2 hours early, so I'd still be able to pick my car up at 3pm. Harry called Lowe's like a million times, and people kept hanging up on him when trying to transfer him to the right department. He finally asked to speak with a manager and was told the manager would call him right back. You guessed it... the manager never called back. Finally, Harry called a different department alltogether, and talked to a woman that assured him the delivery would be made well before 3pm because the driver needed to clock out at 3. When 2:30 hit and there was still no delivery truck, Harry called her back. Naturally, SHE had left for the day at 2.
Around 2:45, Harry woke Ellie up from her nap and packed her into the car to come and get me. He left the receipt with a neighbor in case the delivery came, pulled out of the street, and wouldn't you know... here comes the Lowe's truck! So he turned around, made sure everything was there, then came to get me.
I didnt' know any of this was going on. Instead, at 3pm, I step out of the office to find Harry not there. Hmmm. I don't want to call because I don't want him to answer his phone while driving, but what other choice do I have? He says he's about 10 minutes away, so I stand there waiting in the cold. Fun.
I get my car back, run my errands, then rush home so Harry can start bringing all the patio supplies into the backyard before it rains. He manages to get all the crushed gravel back there (quite a task) just as the first few drops start to fall. We had to leave the pavers in the driveway until the next day. Luckily, it's supposed to be a nice day on Saturday.
WRONG! It rained all day Saturday. All day. And the guy delivering the crushed stone was nice enough to tell us that this crap solidifies into a cement type consistency once it gets wet and dries. I KNEW we should have gotten sand. How are we gonna press the pavers into cement? Lovely. We covered it with a tarp, hoping it would be OK.
Sunday morning, Harry went outside to assess the damage. It was still wet but he was able to loosen it up a bit before it dried. He went to work laying the pavers down in the afternoon, stopping for a couple of hours in order for us to go to my mom's house for Easter dinner.
Get ready for more complaining. It seems to be what I'm best at.
My mom told us dinner would be at 3. This means that I have to wake Ellie up from her nap in order to get there on time. I hate waking her up. The kid enjoys her nap. Luckily, she wasn't cranky, and she even let me put her in her Easter dress with minimal fuss. We made it out of our house by 3:02, and we showed up at Mom's just a few minutes later. By 4pm, dinner still wasn't ready. Yeah.
Ellie was crazy inside Mom's house. It's not babyproofed, so you really need to keep your eye on her. The girls played with her for a bit, which was nice, but eventually, the wanted to watch a movie and didn't want her in there. Lovely. Naturally, that's the only place she wanted to be after that declaration.
The kitchen, which is the central part of the house, is every mother's nightmare. There are knives everywhere, stove burners on, oven on, hot dishes everywhere, etc. The place could give me a heart attack. We couldn't figure the DVD player out (more specifically, Mom's TV is weird, and we couldn't switch it to the correct channel to play the DVD player), there were entirely too many people in a small space, and my kid hadn't eaten since noon because I thought we were having dinner at 3, so I didn't give her a snack. Lord help me.
By the time we sat down to dinner, Ellie wanted no part of it. It was just frustrating and tiring. By the time dessert was put out, we asked for some to go and hightailed it home. Ellie and I chilled inside watching Boo Bears (Care Bears), and Harry tried to finish the patio (it's not quite done - he should finish it tonight - yay!).
Oh, and I forgot. While cleaning the house Sunday morning and getting ready for playdate, my dad showed up completely unannounced. So here I am, dirty and grimy from cleaning, still in my pajamas, when he pulls up. He hands Ellie a chocolate bunny, she thanks him, then she runs away. Harry later tells me she sprinted to the back door and tried to get out of the house, away from the scary man. I kid you not.
Last night, she cried in her sleep. Twice. The second time, I went in there and she was actually awake. She wouldn't talk; she just wanted me to hold her. Harry remembers the last time that happening was the last time she saw my dad. So my dad actually causes toddler nightmare.
Dude, what a weekend.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Party Time!
Last night, Ellie had yet another birthday party to go to. My Godson, Niko, turned two yesterday, and we ventured over to Kim's house after work for some pizza and cake and gift-opening.
It was quite the full house, 8 adults and 4 kids in a one-bedroom apartment. And yet, since we all knew each other, it was cozy and fun instead of cramped and uncomfortable.
I got to see my ex-in-laws, which is nice because I pretty much got along with them when I was married to their son. That hasn't changed in all these years. It's nice to see them every so often, and because I'm Niko's Godmother, I guess I'm still kinda part of the family.
I also got to see Adrienne, a friend and co-worker of Kim's I became friends with myself a few years ago. She's 5 months pregnant, and it was fun talking the "pregnancy talk", especially seeing as I was not the one with the bun in the oven. Heh heh.
The kids had a blast last night, and for the first time, I didn't need to hover over Ellie. This is mainly because she and Niko are so close in age that Kim's place is virtually Ellie-proof. It's a nice change from dodging fireplace pokers and carpet tack strips when we visit my mom at her house or the stairs o'doom (as I call them) at my sister's house. Ellie walked in like she owned the joint and proceeded to play with every single one of Niko's toys while we were there. She interacted with the other kids, charmed all the adults, and managed to get a dinner of M&M's and cake frosting instead of the usual healthy stuff. Can you say "Mommy's a sucker?" Ellie can; she repeated it after I said it the other day. I wish I had gotten that on tape.
She's really coming into her own. She's "grown up" a lot the past couple of weeks. We notice a huge change and milestone every few months, and approaching 2.5 years old is definitely one of them for Miss Ellie. Her speech and vocabulary is definitely improving. And that makes me happy.
For his birthday, we got Niko these cool wooden stacking cubes with animals painted on them by Melissa and Doug, and I got him this awesome t-shirt here:
It hasn't arrived yet, but I can't wait to give it to him. I ordered one for Ellie, too, of course.
All in all, it was a wonderful evening.
It was quite the full house, 8 adults and 4 kids in a one-bedroom apartment. And yet, since we all knew each other, it was cozy and fun instead of cramped and uncomfortable.
I got to see my ex-in-laws, which is nice because I pretty much got along with them when I was married to their son. That hasn't changed in all these years. It's nice to see them every so often, and because I'm Niko's Godmother, I guess I'm still kinda part of the family.
I also got to see Adrienne, a friend and co-worker of Kim's I became friends with myself a few years ago. She's 5 months pregnant, and it was fun talking the "pregnancy talk", especially seeing as I was not the one with the bun in the oven. Heh heh.
The kids had a blast last night, and for the first time, I didn't need to hover over Ellie. This is mainly because she and Niko are so close in age that Kim's place is virtually Ellie-proof. It's a nice change from dodging fireplace pokers and carpet tack strips when we visit my mom at her house or the stairs o'doom (as I call them) at my sister's house. Ellie walked in like she owned the joint and proceeded to play with every single one of Niko's toys while we were there. She interacted with the other kids, charmed all the adults, and managed to get a dinner of M&M's and cake frosting instead of the usual healthy stuff. Can you say "Mommy's a sucker?" Ellie can; she repeated it after I said it the other day. I wish I had gotten that on tape.
She's really coming into her own. She's "grown up" a lot the past couple of weeks. We notice a huge change and milestone every few months, and approaching 2.5 years old is definitely one of them for Miss Ellie. Her speech and vocabulary is definitely improving. And that makes me happy.
For his birthday, we got Niko these cool wooden stacking cubes with animals painted on them by Melissa and Doug, and I got him this awesome t-shirt here:
It hasn't arrived yet, but I can't wait to give it to him. I ordered one for Ellie, too, of course.
All in all, it was a wonderful evening.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
MD, here we come!
So I realized yesterday that I completely forgot to write about the sister situation with Harry. How did that happen? I can't very well blame it on baby-brain anymore, can I?
The sister that originally got in touch with Harry, K, flaked on us. That's the honest truth. I had been worried about it from the get-go, call it a gut feeling, woman's intuiton, what have you, but I just KNEW it was going to happen.
Lucky enough for us, though, she happened to mention finding Harry to the youngest sister, C. C joined facebook and friend requested Harry just when Harry was ready to sink into a state of melancholy because of the way things were panning out with K. She happened to be on when he accepted the friend request, so they were actually able to chat. She told him how she'd tried to get in touch with him years ago, but his phone had been shut off (true). She even had his old phone number (he couldn't believe it when she typed out his old phone number to him).
They chatted for over an hour, and then I even got to talk to her for a bit. She and I hit it off right away. I liked her positive attitude and outlook on life, and she liked my sarcastic humor (what, me? sarcastic?) By the end of the chat, we were already talking about us coming down to visit sometime soon.
Unfortunate for us, C JUST moved down to MD with her family about 9 months ago. Prior to that, she only lived about 20 minutes away from us. Go figure.
Harry and I checked our calendars at work, and we decided that the end of April would be a perfect time for us to spend a long weekend with his sister and her family. She's just as excited as we are. So are her husband and her 3 kids, a boy of 10 and 2 teenaged girls. I'm sure Ellie would be excited, too, if she even realized we were going somewhere. LOL.
So from April 24-26, we will be on a mini vay cay, spending time with long lost family, lounging around in a hotel (I LOVE hotels), swimming in the indoor pool, taking a trip to the Maryland Zoo, and just all around relaxing (I hope). Oh, and I get to see a camel. Apparently, they live out near my sister-in-law's house. When she told me, I was like, "No way!" She said it nearly scared the shit out of her the first time she saw one. LOL. She promised to take me over to see them so I could be all touristy and snap a few shots.
All in all, I'm so excited this all happened. It sucks that the first sister flaked, but look at what we ended up getting because of her. I think this is going to be an excellent weekend.
The sister that originally got in touch with Harry, K, flaked on us. That's the honest truth. I had been worried about it from the get-go, call it a gut feeling, woman's intuiton, what have you, but I just KNEW it was going to happen.
Lucky enough for us, though, she happened to mention finding Harry to the youngest sister, C. C joined facebook and friend requested Harry just when Harry was ready to sink into a state of melancholy because of the way things were panning out with K. She happened to be on when he accepted the friend request, so they were actually able to chat. She told him how she'd tried to get in touch with him years ago, but his phone had been shut off (true). She even had his old phone number (he couldn't believe it when she typed out his old phone number to him).
They chatted for over an hour, and then I even got to talk to her for a bit. She and I hit it off right away. I liked her positive attitude and outlook on life, and she liked my sarcastic humor (what, me? sarcastic?) By the end of the chat, we were already talking about us coming down to visit sometime soon.
Unfortunate for us, C JUST moved down to MD with her family about 9 months ago. Prior to that, she only lived about 20 minutes away from us. Go figure.
Harry and I checked our calendars at work, and we decided that the end of April would be a perfect time for us to spend a long weekend with his sister and her family. She's just as excited as we are. So are her husband and her 3 kids, a boy of 10 and 2 teenaged girls. I'm sure Ellie would be excited, too, if she even realized we were going somewhere. LOL.
So from April 24-26, we will be on a mini vay cay, spending time with long lost family, lounging around in a hotel (I LOVE hotels), swimming in the indoor pool, taking a trip to the Maryland Zoo, and just all around relaxing (I hope). Oh, and I get to see a camel. Apparently, they live out near my sister-in-law's house. When she told me, I was like, "No way!" She said it nearly scared the shit out of her the first time she saw one. LOL. She promised to take me over to see them so I could be all touristy and snap a few shots.
All in all, I'm so excited this all happened. It sucks that the first sister flaked, but look at what we ended up getting because of her. I think this is going to be an excellent weekend.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Mommy!
Yay, it's finally happened! Ellie has started calling me Mommy. I cannot believe how much this excites me, but it does. She sounds so sweet saying it. She LOVES saying it. I haven't gotten sick of it (yet).
And it's all because of a commercial.
Ellie's new favorite show is The Care Bears (she calls them Boo Bears - so stinkin' cute). This is the one show she'll watch with commercials in between. Why? Because all the commercials are geared towards kids. There's only 2 or 3 at a time, and they're for the same things over and over again. There's the standard baby doll commercial, which, naturally, makes every child covet whatever is advertised (Ellie included). And then there are commerials for this "Mommy and Me" deal, complete with toys for both Mommy and Toddler to play with. She can't get enough of these commercials, and whenever the mommy is shown on the screen, she yells MOMMY! and points to me. Awww.
So I'm finally Mommy. No more MaMa, and definitely no more Mom.
***
And in other news, I don't have as much back pain today. The alcohol last night didn't really help though. I had tried a new organic red wine, and it didn't give me the nice buzz my wine normally gives me. I guess you need all the sulfites and stuff for that. LOL.
***
I'm going to be 32 in less than a month. How did that happen?
***
Only 2.5 weeks until my mini vay cay. YES.
And it's all because of a commercial.
Ellie's new favorite show is The Care Bears (she calls them Boo Bears - so stinkin' cute). This is the one show she'll watch with commercials in between. Why? Because all the commercials are geared towards kids. There's only 2 or 3 at a time, and they're for the same things over and over again. There's the standard baby doll commercial, which, naturally, makes every child covet whatever is advertised (Ellie included). And then there are commerials for this "Mommy and Me" deal, complete with toys for both Mommy and Toddler to play with. She can't get enough of these commercials, and whenever the mommy is shown on the screen, she yells MOMMY! and points to me. Awww.
So I'm finally Mommy. No more MaMa, and definitely no more Mom.
***
And in other news, I don't have as much back pain today. The alcohol last night didn't really help though. I had tried a new organic red wine, and it didn't give me the nice buzz my wine normally gives me. I guess you need all the sulfites and stuff for that. LOL.
***
I'm going to be 32 in less than a month. How did that happen?
***
Only 2.5 weeks until my mini vay cay. YES.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Maybe alcohol will help
... because the 2 Aleve I took this morning just ain't cuttin' it. I have a headache and severe back pain this morning, not to mention all my neck muscles are tense for some weird reason. I feel like crying. I'm just feeling very sorry for myself right now, so pay no attention to me. Wah.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Today's agenda
- Get this friggin' search engine to work already!
- Meet a friend for coffee on my lunchbreak
- Still get this friggin' search engine to work
- Have dinner with Mom! Salmon loaf... mmmmm.
- Watch the series finale of ER. Sadness.
- Drink a couple of glasses of wine while watching series finale of ER.
- Sleep a lot.
- Meet a friend for coffee on my lunchbreak
- Still get this friggin' search engine to work
- Have dinner with Mom! Salmon loaf... mmmmm.
- Watch the series finale of ER. Sadness.
- Drink a couple of glasses of wine while watching series finale of ER.
- Sleep a lot.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
"So when are you having another?"
If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me this, I'd be filthy, stinking rich. It's right up there with people asking me soon after Harry and I got married, "So what's the holdup? When are you guys gonna have a baby?" I'd usually look them right in the eye and say, "We've been trying. We have fertility issues." Yeah, that usually made them feel like crap. And I was glad. Mean? Maybe.
The thing is, these are really personal questions, even though most people don't realize it. People don't seem to understand that for some couples, these questions are right on par with, "Are you ovulating right now? Are you menstruating right now? When was the last time you had sex?" You wouldn't ask those kinds of questions in civilized conversation, would you?
Right after I had Ellie, the "when are you gonna have another one?" question started. And it wasn't complete strangers asking either; it was mostly people who knew about my fertility issues and the difficulty of my actual giving birth. I mean, I'm talking about the day I came out of the hospital, hours after I had my stitches taken out. I hadn't even healed yet, and they wanted me barefoot and pregnant once again.
Surprisingly, the two people I may have expected it from are the two people that don't bring it up... my mom and dad. They saw what I went through, they know my limitations, and they're just happy for me that I managed to have Ellie. When they both found out about my fertility issues, they NEVER asked the "when am I gonna get another grandchild?" question. My dad, the king of stick-foot-in-mouth, was actually quite good about not asking the wrong questions through it all.
The question I usually get along with the "when are you gonna have another one?" is "don't you want to give Ellie a sibling? She'll be lonely." And I understand how people would think that. How they would think I'm doing my daughter an injustice. To each his own.
The fact is, I had siblings growing up, a sister 10 years my senior and a sister 2 years my junior. My little sister and I played together, sure, but we also fought like cats and dogs. I can't believe my mother is still sane after all we put her through. And my older sister, well, I worshipped her when I was little. And she absolutely hated me. HATED ME. And I knew it. And it crushed me. I never really knew what I did to make her feel that way. My mom says I was simply born. That's pretty sad.
Surprisingly again, the person who has asked me these questions the most IS my older sister. She cannot believe that I don't want to give Ellie a sibling. She has 3 kids herself (one of whom is a reader here - hi Jes!).
The thing is, I'm not NOT having another child so Ellie won't have a sibling. That's not one of my reasons. I've never once thought, "I don't want Ellie to have a sister."
I've tried to talk to my sister about my many reasons, but she seems to forget them whenever the subject gets brought up again. It's gotten to the point where I just say, "I have my reasons" because I'm tired of going over them again and again.
Yesterday, while writing my extra long blog entry, I realized I can just put them all down here for myself. People can scoff and point fingers as they wish.
First and foremost is the heartache. For those who have never had fertility issues, it nearly rips your heart out every month when you realize you are once again not pregnant. As the day when you can finally take a test gets closer and closer, you hope more and more. And then just as you're thinking "This is it!", Aunt Flo comes along. The utter pain is almost too much to endure.
Some people have asked why I just don't "let nature take its course" and not try? Why can't I just not take my BCP and if it happens, it happens? The answer to that comes in two parts: first because I'd still be wishing for it to happen every month, regardless of whether or not I was actively trying and second because I'm a planner. There are numerous things that have to go into having another child for me. It's a part of my personality, and I just can't wave it away.
We also need to be financially secure to have a second child. Right now, we have a lot on our plate. We just bought a house, so we have a new mortgage to pay for. We also have numerous home improvements that need to be done. We also have Ellie's daycare to pay for for at least another 2.5 years. Having another child would have us cutting it extremely close every month. In fact, it just might put us under. I'm not ready for that.
There's also the thought of having another surgery in order to have a second child. I know many women have multiple C-sections, but I don't know if I actually want to go through another one. My recovery was bad. I had 3 different bacterial infections, AND it took me longer than usual to heal because I pushed myself too hard in the beginning.
There's also the prospect of PPD looming over my head.
And then there's also the fact that I may not be strong enough emotionally to have another child. I don't know if I could handle having a small baby again. I have to be honest with myself about that. The first year with Ellie was really hard on me. Most people say it goes by so fast, but for me, it dragged. I never really felt comfortable with Ellie until she was about a year old. I felt awkward, unsure, and half-crazed. My mom saw it and that's why she's actually flat out told me that I shouldn't have another child. Some people may feel that's an insult, but I don't. My mom knows me. She knows my limitations. And I'm happy she's not afraid to voice that opinion to me.
I also have no idea how Ellie will react to a new baby. She's very stubborn. And she likes having a run of the house. Bringing a second child into the house may make Ellie act out and be even more "high spirited" and I KNOW I can't handle that. Not with another child to care for. And I don't want to take any of my attention away from Ellie. That whole thing of "will I love the baby as much as I love Ellie?" runs through my head all the time. Yes, I know... you find the love. The fact remains that I'm not sure I will no matter how many people tell me so.
AND things are very comfortable right now. Our little family unit of 3 is working. We're finally getting to start traveling again, which I love. I know what people will say to that... "you can travel with a baby!" and my answer is, yes, maybe YOU can travel with a baby, but I'm way too high strung for it. We drove 6 hours to Maine when Ellie was 8 months old, and it was pure hell. We haven't gone more than an hour away from home since then. Yes, I fully let my kid dictate my life. So sue me. I can't see making her uncomfortable just so I can be a tourist somewhere. That's just me. We're finally planning a trip for the end of this month and another this summer and yet another this winter, and I am extremely excited by the prospects. I just couldn't handle it with a baby. I just couldn't.
I think that's pretty much all of it, but as you can see, it's a pretty long CON list. Harry and I have talked about it a lot, and in the end, we both know it's just too much for me right now.
The thing is, these are really personal questions, even though most people don't realize it. People don't seem to understand that for some couples, these questions are right on par with, "Are you ovulating right now? Are you menstruating right now? When was the last time you had sex?" You wouldn't ask those kinds of questions in civilized conversation, would you?
Right after I had Ellie, the "when are you gonna have another one?" question started. And it wasn't complete strangers asking either; it was mostly people who knew about my fertility issues and the difficulty of my actual giving birth. I mean, I'm talking about the day I came out of the hospital, hours after I had my stitches taken out. I hadn't even healed yet, and they wanted me barefoot and pregnant once again.
Surprisingly, the two people I may have expected it from are the two people that don't bring it up... my mom and dad. They saw what I went through, they know my limitations, and they're just happy for me that I managed to have Ellie. When they both found out about my fertility issues, they NEVER asked the "when am I gonna get another grandchild?" question. My dad, the king of stick-foot-in-mouth, was actually quite good about not asking the wrong questions through it all.
The question I usually get along with the "when are you gonna have another one?" is "don't you want to give Ellie a sibling? She'll be lonely." And I understand how people would think that. How they would think I'm doing my daughter an injustice. To each his own.
The fact is, I had siblings growing up, a sister 10 years my senior and a sister 2 years my junior. My little sister and I played together, sure, but we also fought like cats and dogs. I can't believe my mother is still sane after all we put her through. And my older sister, well, I worshipped her when I was little. And she absolutely hated me. HATED ME. And I knew it. And it crushed me. I never really knew what I did to make her feel that way. My mom says I was simply born. That's pretty sad.
Surprisingly again, the person who has asked me these questions the most IS my older sister. She cannot believe that I don't want to give Ellie a sibling. She has 3 kids herself (one of whom is a reader here - hi Jes!).
The thing is, I'm not NOT having another child so Ellie won't have a sibling. That's not one of my reasons. I've never once thought, "I don't want Ellie to have a sister."
I've tried to talk to my sister about my many reasons, but she seems to forget them whenever the subject gets brought up again. It's gotten to the point where I just say, "I have my reasons" because I'm tired of going over them again and again.
Yesterday, while writing my extra long blog entry, I realized I can just put them all down here for myself. People can scoff and point fingers as they wish.
First and foremost is the heartache. For those who have never had fertility issues, it nearly rips your heart out every month when you realize you are once again not pregnant. As the day when you can finally take a test gets closer and closer, you hope more and more. And then just as you're thinking "This is it!", Aunt Flo comes along. The utter pain is almost too much to endure.
Some people have asked why I just don't "let nature take its course" and not try? Why can't I just not take my BCP and if it happens, it happens? The answer to that comes in two parts: first because I'd still be wishing for it to happen every month, regardless of whether or not I was actively trying and second because I'm a planner. There are numerous things that have to go into having another child for me. It's a part of my personality, and I just can't wave it away.
We also need to be financially secure to have a second child. Right now, we have a lot on our plate. We just bought a house, so we have a new mortgage to pay for. We also have numerous home improvements that need to be done. We also have Ellie's daycare to pay for for at least another 2.5 years. Having another child would have us cutting it extremely close every month. In fact, it just might put us under. I'm not ready for that.
There's also the thought of having another surgery in order to have a second child. I know many women have multiple C-sections, but I don't know if I actually want to go through another one. My recovery was bad. I had 3 different bacterial infections, AND it took me longer than usual to heal because I pushed myself too hard in the beginning.
There's also the prospect of PPD looming over my head.
And then there's also the fact that I may not be strong enough emotionally to have another child. I don't know if I could handle having a small baby again. I have to be honest with myself about that. The first year with Ellie was really hard on me. Most people say it goes by so fast, but for me, it dragged. I never really felt comfortable with Ellie until she was about a year old. I felt awkward, unsure, and half-crazed. My mom saw it and that's why she's actually flat out told me that I shouldn't have another child. Some people may feel that's an insult, but I don't. My mom knows me. She knows my limitations. And I'm happy she's not afraid to voice that opinion to me.
I also have no idea how Ellie will react to a new baby. She's very stubborn. And she likes having a run of the house. Bringing a second child into the house may make Ellie act out and be even more "high spirited" and I KNOW I can't handle that. Not with another child to care for. And I don't want to take any of my attention away from Ellie. That whole thing of "will I love the baby as much as I love Ellie?" runs through my head all the time. Yes, I know... you find the love. The fact remains that I'm not sure I will no matter how many people tell me so.
AND things are very comfortable right now. Our little family unit of 3 is working. We're finally getting to start traveling again, which I love. I know what people will say to that... "you can travel with a baby!" and my answer is, yes, maybe YOU can travel with a baby, but I'm way too high strung for it. We drove 6 hours to Maine when Ellie was 8 months old, and it was pure hell. We haven't gone more than an hour away from home since then. Yes, I fully let my kid dictate my life. So sue me. I can't see making her uncomfortable just so I can be a tourist somewhere. That's just me. We're finally planning a trip for the end of this month and another this summer and yet another this winter, and I am extremely excited by the prospects. I just couldn't handle it with a baby. I just couldn't.
I think that's pretty much all of it, but as you can see, it's a pretty long CON list. Harry and I have talked about it a lot, and in the end, we both know it's just too much for me right now.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Soul Searching (extremely long post)
Yesterday, I read the blog of a new mom who had gone through infertility treatments in order to conceive. Many of my friends know that I also went through the trauma of trying to conceive for years, more than two to be exact. Something like that does something to you. It matures you, it hurts you, it hardens you, it can make you crazy, and it can put a lot of stress on you, your partner, and your marriage. Oh, and it can take the fun out of sex.
Through it all, only some of that happened to me, thank goodness.
Harry and I got engaged at the beginning of 2003, about 1 and a 1/2 years after we started dating. We had originally planned for a wedding in CT in September of 2004, mainly so we'd have the time we needed to plan the big to-do. Once we decided that we were going to get married in Hawaii instead, we moved the date up to December 2003 because we knew the weather would be gorgeous then. Of course, my company decided that it was moving the very same week we had chosen for our wedding and honeymoon, and we were told that we could not take time off during that week. Go figure. So we moved it to February 2004, and naturally my company moved the moving date to THAT week. I ended up pleading my case, seeing as I had already moved the date once for them, and they agreed I could have the time off.
We were also in the middle of the sale of Harry's Co-op during that time, which put a good deal of stress on us during a time when we just should have been celebrating. The deal was supposed to have been absolutely over and done with by the time February came around, but alas, the best laid plans...blah blah blah. I don't think we closed until April. THAT was a freakin' mess.
Anyway, around December, we decided that we'd start trying to get pregnant. No sense in waiting, right? Unfortunately, I didn't get pregnant right away. December and January passed with no baby conceived. We hoped maybe it would happen on our honeymoon, but the last day of our trip confirmed I was, once again, not pregnant. 6 months later at my OB/GYN, I told my doctor that we had been trying to no avail. He told me that if I still hadn't conceived within the next year, we could start looking at other options. A year?
Well, that year went by. And no baby. So there I was at the doc's again, telling him it had now been a year and a half that we had been trying to conceive. So he ordered some blood work done to check out my hormone levels. Harry had already been tested about 6 months before, and his little swimmers were fine. My blood work, on the other hand, had some alarming results. Both my prolactin and progesterone levels were WAY off, so much so that my doc was worried there might be something wrong with my pituitary glad and immediately ordered an MRI for me. Talk about freaking me the fuck out!
The MRI was a traumatic experience in and of itself (see here), but it came back fine which was a relief. We did another blood test, and the results still showed the levels being off. So the next step was to start taking Clomid, a drug that helps induce ovulation.
I took Clomid for 3 months with no results (other than it making me feel icky and not like myself). I stopped treatment because of the side effects. The next step would have been injections, but I just wasn't ready to go that route yet. I wasn't ready to start investing vast amounts of money into conceiving when we were trying to SAVE vast amounts of money for a possible future child, a new home, a better life. I'm not sure if that makes sense to everyone, but it made sense to me.
At the 2 year mark, we decided to stop "trying". All that counting. Ugh. I will say we at least had fun through the whole thing. The sex never got boring or felt forced. We were very lucky in that respect; I know a lot of couples aren't so lucky.
We talked a little about adopting, and we found out Harry's company actually helped with that kind of thing. We decided we'd start looking into it the next year. In the meantime, we planned a little getaway for our 2 year anniversary. We didn't want to go far, so we decided on the Poconos in PA. It was a mere 2 hour drive from our house which was perfect. Unfortunately, it's fucking COLD in northern PA in the beginning of February. It snowed the entire weekend which made the place pretty but difficult to walk around. And the place was a complete '80s throwback. We laugh about it now, but we were pretty peeved at how crappy it was given how much we paid for the weekend.
In the end though, that total hole ended up being the magic we needed because Little Miss Ellie was conceived on that weekend. After all the trying, counting, stressing, etc, it was a dilapidated, cheesy "resort" that made it happen.
I had a wonderful pregnancy. I loved every minute of it. I'm a stressed out, worrying mess the majority of the time, but that all went away during my pregnancy. I've never felt better.
Ellie's delivery was not so wonderful, but I got through it. And I have this amazing little girl to prove it.
The first few weeks after I had Ellie were extremely hard though. I had a slight case of PPD AND I was on all kinds of drugs for pain and infections. I was a complete mess. I cried a lot. I worried a lot. I was completely sleep-deprived. I felt like a crap mom. I fully admit that now.
And, in all honestly, I was a little bit afraid of my child. I felt like I didn't know her, didn't know what to do for her, didn't know how to take care of her. Ellie cried a lot as a baby, and she had colic. She didn't really like to be held for long periods of time, but she also didn't like to be on her own. I cannot even begin to tell you how much stuff I read and how many things I tried to make my baby happy. I'm lucky I didn't go insane in the process.
About a week and a half after I had her, I seriously thought to myself, "What have I done? What have I gotten myself into?" I was afraid I'd accidentally drop her, I was afraid something horrible and tragic would happen to her, I was afraid of SIDS. I was simply afraid. Terrified.
And I had no one to talk to about it. My mom had no idea what I was going through because she never felt any of the things I was feeling. She was seriously worried I had major PPD, especially after she saw my sister go through it when she had her daughter. She suggested I talk to my doctor since I was scheduled to see him soon, and I agreed that I would.
Once I was able to get off all the meds, though, some of the fear started to dissipate. I started to feel normal again. Ellie still cried and had colic, but I suddenly understood that we could get through it.
The only fear that didn't leave me was the one of something tragic happening to her. I'd have these awful dreams, both while sleeping and awake. What if she was taken away from me? What would I do? How would I cope? How would I be able to move on? I didn't think that would even be possible.
Around that same time I also came to the conclusion that I was not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I had planned on quitting my job to care for her full-time, but that didn't end up happening. I admitted to myself that I couldn't do this 24 hours a day. Oh, the sheer agony of having to admit that. I had absolutely NO RIGHT to do it, to go back to work. I had wanted this baby for YEARS, and now, what? I was just giving up? I couldn't do it? What kind of a mother was I? I was right... I WAS going to be a terrible mom. All the fears I had had when I was younger, telling myself I didn't want children because I was sure I'd screw them up, was I right all along?
The guilt was overwhelming. The first day I dropped her off at daycare, I cried for hours. I didn't know what to do. I wanted (and needed from a financial aspect) to go back to work, but I felt like I was already failing Ellie. How could I just leave her with someone else, a stranger, to care for her. *I* should be caring for her. How unloving, uncaring, was I to do this to a little baby?
Harry talked me through it, and I managed to take her to daycare again the next day. And it was a little easier. And the next day was a little easier still.
And then she got sick, and we ended up in the hospital. My nightmare was coming true. Something bad was happening. They said it was pneumonia. And she was just 10 weeks old.
The next day, though, we found out it WASN'T pneumonia, and we were sent home. And more than that, we were sent home with Teri's phone number. When I met Teri, my guilt started to dissipate. It's amazing how finding the right person can alleviate your emotions. Teri did that for me.
I soon realized that I had made the RIGHT decision for my family, going back to work. Ellie thrived in her new daycare environment. She loved being surrounded by the other kids. She benefited from being with Teri for a few hours everyday instead of being stuck with boring, old mom. And the little girl I have today is testament to that. Not every kid is cut out to be a daycare kid, and not every kid is cut out to stay at home with mom. There is no definite right and wrong.
A few months later I found Maya's Mom, an online community for parents (mostly moms). And I met some wonderful women on there, people who could answer my questions and understand what I was thinking and feeling. One mom in particular really helped me because she went through a similar case of PPD, right down to the fears of something tragic happening. It was through that group of women that I realized I was not alone.
And that has helped me more than anything else. I learned that there are numerous definitions of being a "normal" mom, and the title "mom" is not a one-size-fits-all.
I have lots more to say on the subject, and I will in time. For now, I thank you for reading, and I hope that maybe, just maybe a new mom will stumble upon this entry, read it, and get the help and reassurance she needs.
Through it all, only some of that happened to me, thank goodness.
Harry and I got engaged at the beginning of 2003, about 1 and a 1/2 years after we started dating. We had originally planned for a wedding in CT in September of 2004, mainly so we'd have the time we needed to plan the big to-do. Once we decided that we were going to get married in Hawaii instead, we moved the date up to December 2003 because we knew the weather would be gorgeous then. Of course, my company decided that it was moving the very same week we had chosen for our wedding and honeymoon, and we were told that we could not take time off during that week. Go figure. So we moved it to February 2004, and naturally my company moved the moving date to THAT week. I ended up pleading my case, seeing as I had already moved the date once for them, and they agreed I could have the time off.
We were also in the middle of the sale of Harry's Co-op during that time, which put a good deal of stress on us during a time when we just should have been celebrating. The deal was supposed to have been absolutely over and done with by the time February came around, but alas, the best laid plans...blah blah blah. I don't think we closed until April. THAT was a freakin' mess.
Anyway, around December, we decided that we'd start trying to get pregnant. No sense in waiting, right? Unfortunately, I didn't get pregnant right away. December and January passed with no baby conceived. We hoped maybe it would happen on our honeymoon, but the last day of our trip confirmed I was, once again, not pregnant. 6 months later at my OB/GYN, I told my doctor that we had been trying to no avail. He told me that if I still hadn't conceived within the next year, we could start looking at other options. A year?
Well, that year went by. And no baby. So there I was at the doc's again, telling him it had now been a year and a half that we had been trying to conceive. So he ordered some blood work done to check out my hormone levels. Harry had already been tested about 6 months before, and his little swimmers were fine. My blood work, on the other hand, had some alarming results. Both my prolactin and progesterone levels were WAY off, so much so that my doc was worried there might be something wrong with my pituitary glad and immediately ordered an MRI for me. Talk about freaking me the fuck out!
The MRI was a traumatic experience in and of itself (see here), but it came back fine which was a relief. We did another blood test, and the results still showed the levels being off. So the next step was to start taking Clomid, a drug that helps induce ovulation.
I took Clomid for 3 months with no results (other than it making me feel icky and not like myself). I stopped treatment because of the side effects. The next step would have been injections, but I just wasn't ready to go that route yet. I wasn't ready to start investing vast amounts of money into conceiving when we were trying to SAVE vast amounts of money for a possible future child, a new home, a better life. I'm not sure if that makes sense to everyone, but it made sense to me.
At the 2 year mark, we decided to stop "trying". All that counting. Ugh. I will say we at least had fun through the whole thing. The sex never got boring or felt forced. We were very lucky in that respect; I know a lot of couples aren't so lucky.
We talked a little about adopting, and we found out Harry's company actually helped with that kind of thing. We decided we'd start looking into it the next year. In the meantime, we planned a little getaway for our 2 year anniversary. We didn't want to go far, so we decided on the Poconos in PA. It was a mere 2 hour drive from our house which was perfect. Unfortunately, it's fucking COLD in northern PA in the beginning of February. It snowed the entire weekend which made the place pretty but difficult to walk around. And the place was a complete '80s throwback. We laugh about it now, but we were pretty peeved at how crappy it was given how much we paid for the weekend.
In the end though, that total hole ended up being the magic we needed because Little Miss Ellie was conceived on that weekend. After all the trying, counting, stressing, etc, it was a dilapidated, cheesy "resort" that made it happen.
I had a wonderful pregnancy. I loved every minute of it. I'm a stressed out, worrying mess the majority of the time, but that all went away during my pregnancy. I've never felt better.
Ellie's delivery was not so wonderful, but I got through it. And I have this amazing little girl to prove it.
The first few weeks after I had Ellie were extremely hard though. I had a slight case of PPD AND I was on all kinds of drugs for pain and infections. I was a complete mess. I cried a lot. I worried a lot. I was completely sleep-deprived. I felt like a crap mom. I fully admit that now.
And, in all honestly, I was a little bit afraid of my child. I felt like I didn't know her, didn't know what to do for her, didn't know how to take care of her. Ellie cried a lot as a baby, and she had colic. She didn't really like to be held for long periods of time, but she also didn't like to be on her own. I cannot even begin to tell you how much stuff I read and how many things I tried to make my baby happy. I'm lucky I didn't go insane in the process.
About a week and a half after I had her, I seriously thought to myself, "What have I done? What have I gotten myself into?" I was afraid I'd accidentally drop her, I was afraid something horrible and tragic would happen to her, I was afraid of SIDS. I was simply afraid. Terrified.
And I had no one to talk to about it. My mom had no idea what I was going through because she never felt any of the things I was feeling. She was seriously worried I had major PPD, especially after she saw my sister go through it when she had her daughter. She suggested I talk to my doctor since I was scheduled to see him soon, and I agreed that I would.
Once I was able to get off all the meds, though, some of the fear started to dissipate. I started to feel normal again. Ellie still cried and had colic, but I suddenly understood that we could get through it.
The only fear that didn't leave me was the one of something tragic happening to her. I'd have these awful dreams, both while sleeping and awake. What if she was taken away from me? What would I do? How would I cope? How would I be able to move on? I didn't think that would even be possible.
Around that same time I also came to the conclusion that I was not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. I had planned on quitting my job to care for her full-time, but that didn't end up happening. I admitted to myself that I couldn't do this 24 hours a day. Oh, the sheer agony of having to admit that. I had absolutely NO RIGHT to do it, to go back to work. I had wanted this baby for YEARS, and now, what? I was just giving up? I couldn't do it? What kind of a mother was I? I was right... I WAS going to be a terrible mom. All the fears I had had when I was younger, telling myself I didn't want children because I was sure I'd screw them up, was I right all along?
The guilt was overwhelming. The first day I dropped her off at daycare, I cried for hours. I didn't know what to do. I wanted (and needed from a financial aspect) to go back to work, but I felt like I was already failing Ellie. How could I just leave her with someone else, a stranger, to care for her. *I* should be caring for her. How unloving, uncaring, was I to do this to a little baby?
Harry talked me through it, and I managed to take her to daycare again the next day. And it was a little easier. And the next day was a little easier still.
And then she got sick, and we ended up in the hospital. My nightmare was coming true. Something bad was happening. They said it was pneumonia. And she was just 10 weeks old.
The next day, though, we found out it WASN'T pneumonia, and we were sent home. And more than that, we were sent home with Teri's phone number. When I met Teri, my guilt started to dissipate. It's amazing how finding the right person can alleviate your emotions. Teri did that for me.
I soon realized that I had made the RIGHT decision for my family, going back to work. Ellie thrived in her new daycare environment. She loved being surrounded by the other kids. She benefited from being with Teri for a few hours everyday instead of being stuck with boring, old mom. And the little girl I have today is testament to that. Not every kid is cut out to be a daycare kid, and not every kid is cut out to stay at home with mom. There is no definite right and wrong.
A few months later I found Maya's Mom, an online community for parents (mostly moms). And I met some wonderful women on there, people who could answer my questions and understand what I was thinking and feeling. One mom in particular really helped me because she went through a similar case of PPD, right down to the fears of something tragic happening. It was through that group of women that I realized I was not alone.
And that has helped me more than anything else. I learned that there are numerous definitions of being a "normal" mom, and the title "mom" is not a one-size-fits-all.
I have lots more to say on the subject, and I will in time. For now, I thank you for reading, and I hope that maybe, just maybe a new mom will stumble upon this entry, read it, and get the help and reassurance she needs.
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