"So when are you having another?"

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me this, I'd be filthy, stinking rich. It's right up there with people asking me soon after Harry and I got married, "So what's the holdup? When are you guys gonna have a baby?" I'd usually look them right in the eye and say, "We've been trying. We have fertility issues." Yeah, that usually made them feel like crap. And I was glad. Mean? Maybe.

The thing is, these are really personal questions, even though most people don't realize it. People don't seem to understand that for some couples, these questions are right on par with, "Are you ovulating right now? Are you menstruating right now? When was the last time you had sex?" You wouldn't ask those kinds of questions in civilized conversation, would you?

Right after I had Ellie, the "when are you gonna have another one?" question started. And it wasn't complete strangers asking either; it was mostly people who knew about my fertility issues and the difficulty of my actual giving birth. I mean, I'm talking about the day I came out of the hospital, hours after I had my stitches taken out. I hadn't even healed yet, and they wanted me barefoot and pregnant once again.

Surprisingly, the two people I may have expected it from are the two people that don't bring it up... my mom and dad. They saw what I went through, they know my limitations, and they're just happy for me that I managed to have Ellie. When they both found out about my fertility issues, they NEVER asked the "when am I gonna get another grandchild?" question. My dad, the king of stick-foot-in-mouth, was actually quite good about not asking the wrong questions through it all.

The question I usually get along with the "when are you gonna have another one?" is "don't you want to give Ellie a sibling? She'll be lonely." And I understand how people would think that. How they would think I'm doing my daughter an injustice. To each his own.

The fact is, I had siblings growing up, a sister 10 years my senior and a sister 2 years my junior. My little sister and I played together, sure, but we also fought like cats and dogs. I can't believe my mother is still sane after all we put her through. And my older sister, well, I worshipped her when I was little. And she absolutely hated me. HATED ME. And I knew it. And it crushed me. I never really knew what I did to make her feel that way. My mom says I was simply born. That's pretty sad.

Surprisingly again, the person who has asked me these questions the most IS my older sister. She cannot believe that I don't want to give Ellie a sibling. She has 3 kids herself (one of whom is a reader here - hi Jes!).

The thing is, I'm not NOT having another child so Ellie won't have a sibling. That's not one of my reasons. I've never once thought, "I don't want Ellie to have a sister."

I've tried to talk to my sister about my many reasons, but she seems to forget them whenever the subject gets brought up again. It's gotten to the point where I just say, "I have my reasons" because I'm tired of going over them again and again.

Yesterday, while writing my extra long blog entry, I realized I can just put them all down here for myself. People can scoff and point fingers as they wish.

First and foremost is the heartache. For those who have never had fertility issues, it nearly rips your heart out every month when you realize you are once again not pregnant. As the day when you can finally take a test gets closer and closer, you hope more and more. And then just as you're thinking "This is it!", Aunt Flo comes along. The utter pain is almost too much to endure.

Some people have asked why I just don't "let nature take its course" and not try? Why can't I just not take my BCP and if it happens, it happens? The answer to that comes in two parts: first because I'd still be wishing for it to happen every month, regardless of whether or not I was actively trying and second because I'm a planner. There are numerous things that have to go into having another child for me. It's a part of my personality, and I just can't wave it away.

We also need to be financially secure to have a second child. Right now, we have a lot on our plate. We just bought a house, so we have a new mortgage to pay for. We also have numerous home improvements that need to be done. We also have Ellie's daycare to pay for for at least another 2.5 years. Having another child would have us cutting it extremely close every month. In fact, it just might put us under. I'm not ready for that.

There's also the thought of having another surgery in order to have a second child. I know many women have multiple C-sections, but I don't know if I actually want to go through another one. My recovery was bad. I had 3 different bacterial infections, AND it took me longer than usual to heal because I pushed myself too hard in the beginning.

There's also the prospect of PPD looming over my head.

And then there's also the fact that I may not be strong enough emotionally to have another child. I don't know if I could handle having a small baby again. I have to be honest with myself about that. The first year with Ellie was really hard on me. Most people say it goes by so fast, but for me, it dragged. I never really felt comfortable with Ellie until she was about a year old. I felt awkward, unsure, and half-crazed. My mom saw it and that's why she's actually flat out told me that I shouldn't have another child. Some people may feel that's an insult, but I don't. My mom knows me. She knows my limitations. And I'm happy she's not afraid to voice that opinion to me.

I also have no idea how Ellie will react to a new baby. She's very stubborn. And she likes having a run of the house. Bringing a second child into the house may make Ellie act out and be even more "high spirited" and I KNOW I can't handle that. Not with another child to care for. And I don't want to take any of my attention away from Ellie. That whole thing of "will I love the baby as much as I love Ellie?" runs through my head all the time. Yes, I know... you find the love. The fact remains that I'm not sure I will no matter how many people tell me so.

AND things are very comfortable right now. Our little family unit of 3 is working. We're finally getting to start traveling again, which I love. I know what people will say to that... "you can travel with a baby!" and my answer is, yes, maybe YOU can travel with a baby, but I'm way too high strung for it. We drove 6 hours to Maine when Ellie was 8 months old, and it was pure hell. We haven't gone more than an hour away from home since then. Yes, I fully let my kid dictate my life. So sue me. I can't see making her uncomfortable just so I can be a tourist somewhere. That's just me. We're finally planning a trip for the end of this month and another this summer and yet another this winter, and I am extremely excited by the prospects. I just couldn't handle it with a baby. I just couldn't.

I think that's pretty much all of it, but as you can see, it's a pretty long CON list. Harry and I have talked about it a lot, and in the end, we both know it's just too much for me right now.