Resolve: to come to a definite or earnest decision about

New Year's is coming up, and so do the resolutions. I don't normally make formal ones, more just thoughts on things, like "this coming year, I should lose weight". How many years did I have THAT as a resolution? I shudder at the thought. Interestingly enough, my follow through on that resolution started in MAY of 2009.

Which leads me to not waiting until New Year's to make my resolutions (yeah, yeah, I'm still close, I know). So here's what I've resolved to do or change:

1. Be more positive - I've been told on more than one occasion that I can be negative at times. I've always seen it as practical, but maybe it's really more than that. Maybe I think the worst so I'm pleasantly surprised when it doesn't happen. Maybe I think the worst in hopes of warding off that terrible thing occurring. Maybe I'm just comfortable in negative skin. Whatever the reason, maybe trying on the positive for a change can change, maybe not the outcome, but just ME and how I deal with the outcome.

2. Learn to de-stress - I need this one bigtime. I'm an angerball. I can flip out over the littlest things. And I usually end up taking it out on myself or a person who actually has nothing to do with my anxiety or anger. That just sucks ass. Why should I yell at my kid when it's her father I'm really pissed at? Why should I be cranky at work because my kid was acting up that morning? Why should my husband hear me bitch and complain because a coworker bites.

3. Complain less - like a lot less. I tend to complain more than the average person. It's my nature. I learned it from my parents. I think I do it because it makes me feel better about myself. Shit, that wasn't easy to admit. I would love to be a laidback chick. More than anything, I want to be that.

4. Get a new hobby - If you ask people what I like to do as a hobby, most will say "read". Maybe "listen to music". Those have been my hobbies for like 20 years. And there's nothing wrong with them. I'd just like to learn something new. Like knitting. Get ready to get a shload of scarves from me!

5. Say what I really mean - I tend to skirt around the truth of something just so I don't hurt someone's feelings (this happens with Harry a lot). And in the end, I get hurt. And nothing gets accomplished or (wait for it)... resolved. It's like running around in a fucking circle. I'm ready to just say this shit and have done with it.

I'm looking for some kind of zen, a place in myself that's comfortable and peaceful. There is no peace in my mind, and that's sad. Maybe I should try to start a form of meditation. Maybe I should start doing yoga again. Maybe I should just sit in a quiet room and clean out my head.